.22-03
2026
I am hilariously dependant.
Whew. Okay, another vent blog for the month. Gotta get my frustrations out somehow. Yayy...
This month has been sucking ass so far. Too many things to do at school, I've been failing too many tests. I can't keep up with anything at all. I can't play a stupid game I like. I don't get away from my phone and I don't eat. I almost passed out yesterday. I'm so fucking frustrated.
My mom found out I cut myself. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but it really wasn't that big of a deal. She saw it while she was on her dinner break from work (she comes visit us on break sometimes) and confronted me about it. I didn't explain anything, and she sighed before going back to work, demanding I have an explanation for her afterwards. I wrote an entire speech for what I would say to her (well, it was more like a letter than anything, and also to organize my thoughts), but she ended up not prying. At all. All the times we talked about it she always made it about herself. How she felt she didn't try hard enough, and how I should think about her for once. Of course, she did worry about me, asking what was wrong, if it was because i was gay (it isn't..), asking if I wanted help. I wasn't very helpful, anyway, but she didn't do anything else. When I asked her why she thought I shouldn't do it, she said: "What if others see that?" and "What will they think of your mother?". Many such cases.
I realize now what my problem is, but I don't know what to do about it.
I'm alone very often. It has been this way since three or four years ago, when me and my mom moved to our own apartment after she got divorced. She got a job and started to initially work night shifts, then day shifts. Either way, most of out shared time together was spent with either her or both of us asleep, which made me become a little isolated, I guess.
I don't know when I started to actually become this dependent. I used to function just fine when I was alone, usually even better than when with people home, as I didn't get distracted. But now, I can't do anything at all. I just want to die. I'm going to stop.
Since it's summer, I'll just have to wait a bit. I don't know how long it will be until I can cut myself again. To be honest, I'm kind of disappointed. I did all of this for attention, and the only attention I get is from that mess of a mother. And my friends, who fully believe they're cat scratches, who laugh at the idea that I might even cut myself. My ex-girlfriend who said she cared so much about me. I hate her so fucking much. I keep having dreams about her. I keep daydreaming about apologizing to her, like I'm the one at fault. I don't care about her. I wanted a distraction and she wasn't even good at that at all. She just thought I would be her "dream man", and kept forcing me into a role I could never fulfill. Just because I'm a dyke doesn't mean I'm your man. Anyway, that's actually not that serious lol i just wanted to talk about it
i'm making my life sound SOOO hard and im being SOOO dramatic and no one even reads this bullshit , , ,