Alright! Hello. It's been a whiiiile. I don't even know what my last blog post was about, but if I check now I probably will forget to finish writing this.

So, maybe I'll start off at when school started. Maybe a little later, since it has been like. Six months since it's started. That's crazy.
Anyway, I started this year off expecting a lot of things... First, I thought I'd be able to find a new group for me to participate in, hang out with and just annoy the teachers with, or something. I already expected to be some sort of weirdo , the kind that always likes some shit weirder than everyone else, or talks weird, since that always has been one of my attributes, even if I wasn't bullied or explicitly (more on that later) left out. However, that's not really how I turned out.

I guess I got one part of that right, the part where I'm the 'weirdo'. God, that's so corny, but I can't really think of any other word. I just sit at the table in front of the teacher, in the corner of the classroom, keep my head down constantly and... read books and draw anime girls, I guess. I don't talk to anyone except, ocasionally, the languages teachers when they aren't kissing my shithead colleagues' asses. Yeah, they're only mean to the women teachers, if you were wondering! No idea why that could be. (kills myself) I only really like the Portuguese teacher, since she's mean to them and is, like, actually considerate with me. Today she even looked at me with pity as I chose to do my project alone, but it's better than being shamed into doing groups. Phew, I guess.
I eat lunch in a secluded corner of the school, where I have to calculate the odds of my colleagues going to the cafeteria to go to, as to not be seen... Well, I've began caring less about that, but I still don't like to be around them. That place I found is nice, in a small staircase outside, near the parking lot... I just realized how cliche that sounds. Look at me, I'm your cute lonely anime girl sitting on the secluded staircase. Fuck my stupid baka life.

As for grades, I've been better. I haven't really had to do any recovery tests, but I'm terrible at keeping up with projects. Oh, god, projects! Let me tell you about how my stupid itinerary teachers keep pairing me up with these second-year girls who are. So fucking snobby. I can literally feel their disgust towards me, and, like.. I've never seen someone be so shitty before. Well, okay, to be fair, they're not mean to me, so maybe I'm projecting, but they see me as like, an opossum with a broken leg, or something. Feels like disgusted pity.

I'd like to talk a bit about my relationship with my colleagues as well. Terrible. Meh. Terrible.
To start off, I don't talk to anyone except for projects, when I don't do them alone. Most I have done is talk to the class leader sometimes, to discuss things about homework (I have NO idea why she chose to ask me: the chud who doesn't even Look at the Teacher) or, like, project stuff. Admittedly, she's a good class leader, as I feel comfortable talking to her and all. I have respect for her, but we don't talk like at all.
As for everyone else, I only really talk to girls, obviously. If you haven't noticed, I am a cis girl, so it is way more likely for other girls to talk to me rather than some disgusted boys. Anyway, the class leader's group is nice, as they're the popular ones. I talk more (like, twice a week, one word per interaction) to the two twins, who are obnoxiously social. Everyone else kind of looks at me with disdain. There's kind of an "alternative" group that I initially, foolishly, thought I'd fit into, being made up of a nerdy-ish girl, a tomboyish (ISH. only in behaviour, but she's still very. Basic,,) girl, and a really pretty girl who does goth makeup and dates a rocker dude. It's so fucking humiliating talking to them. Not like, I'm embarassed by them. Well, maybe a little, taking into account the few times they have tried to make small talk with me, turning into a duel of "hmm"s and "that's cool"s. Fuck my LIFE!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, I have not uttered much more than ten words to all of the boys in the class. By that, I mean including projects and daily life, and I don't include... texting.... Ugh, hold on.

What I mean by "texting a boy" (those words feel so gross) is that, earlier in the year, a boy started to text me, wanting to learn more about me. I was like, "Okay! Whatever! He's kind of annoying." but I kept talking to him because I didn't wanna be mean. He didn't confess or anything, and I don't even know if he Liked Me In The First Place, but I don't really care. I feel a bit bad, to be honest, as he's like. Kind of like me, if I was a dude, probably. It's clear he's different, and he tried to bring up anime to me a few times (...i ignored him when he recommended me hxh.. sorry... i still feel super bad...) like it was something nobody else in the class, or at least the boys, talked about. He's practically bullied in class, too, always being the butt of the joke, but he still tries to include himself in their group anyways. He seems to be notorious for being 'weird' about girls, and what kind of ticked me off was his oddly condescending way of talking to me. Writing this, I kinda feel worse for him, maybe I'll message him sometime. It'd kind of ruin my already bad image, though. Nothing to lose, I guess. But, whatever, I still like girls. By the way.

Now that that's out of the way, kinda, I'd like to talk about how I feel with all of this going on, especially recently.

I've began feeling very immature in comparison to everyone else my age. This is mostly due to everyone else having a job, going out on... "resenhas", and being so independent already. Mostly the job thing. The condescending way everyone talks to me is also terrible.
I've thought about getting a job, obviously. I'd have to do that whole SENAI or SENAC thing, and I'd have to be in a classroom with people I don't know, and some people from my class that I don't like. I don't even think working would be the worst part, though I would be kinda bummed constantly. At least I'd have plenty of money, for buying yuri. Fuck yeah... well, anyway, I don't think I'll start working, at least for this year. However, with how things are going (boringly and nothing. happens ever,), I think it's a good way to pass the time until I can move out and do some more fun stuff.

I partially believe this whole immaturity complex comes from something within. For a long while, when I was younger, I believed I was neurodivergent, for some reason. I admit, I don't know why I thought that so wholeheartedly. I was in some spaces online which were very welcoming and had a lot of diversity, especially with ND people, so I might have thought that, as a way to fit in with them, I could only be neurodivergent myself. To this day, I have two of the friends I found there, so it's not like I'm completely out of the rabbithole, or something. Well, anyways...
I have begun thinking about it once more. Reading stories online about how people with ADHD or ASD are told they are gifted, or mature when they're younger, and how they fall behind socially and academically once in highschool or something. And I compared myself to classmates I knew who had those disorders, and I kind of realized... Huh! Maybe.

In middle school, I was always included in stuff, in a normal way. Like, I was an average friend, I think? I mean, I wasn't excluded but I wasn't sought out either. I was there to be laughed at when I did something stupid or made a funny face on accident, most of the time, but I don't mean to be bummed about that. I accepted it, and I still feel like they were my friends, even if my pessimistic nostalgia is telling me they weren't. There were two kids in my class with ASD, and I never really felt like them, even if I thought I had some similar disorder. This, at the time, made me think I didn't have anything going on, except kind of out-there interests.

When I got into highschool, there was a girl in my class who was really the only person I talked to. We talked every day during lunch, and we liked cartoons, she liked to draw (she drew REALLY well!!!), and she even got into Ace Attorney when I mentioned it. Fuck, I wish she had stayed. I'm so sorry.
After a few months, before winter break, she moved schools, into the one where she had more friends. God, I feel like such an idiot now!!! I was terribly mean to her, and I can't even pretend I wasn't. I was fake.
This is because, at the start of the year, I fully thought I could integrate myself into the groups made up in the class, and I thought... Well, this chick is like, weirder than me. She'll hold me down, I thought. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OFF!!!!!! Oh my god!
I'm sorry, I just have very strong feelings about this. She was so, so nice, oh my god. I feel terrible with myself.
Anyway... Even if I was nice to her at lunch or whatever, I still avoided her in group projects, and there was a bit where I just vanished to be with my mother (she works there,,) during lunch where I just left her all alone. God, I didn't even feel this much guilt when I ghosted my ex... Um.. Which means nothing.
I feel like this is mostly just me being nostalgic about this whole thing, but I miss her a lot. We have talked a bit after she left, texts that were sent by her, and not by me. I'm the biggest scum of the earth... She sends me her art, and I've loved hearing about her OCs. She has even showed me her NSFW comics, do you KNOW how much that means to me?!? But, alas, I will probably never see her again. I hope she's doing splendid in her school, but from what I've heard her friends are kind of shitty too. Um, I kinda derailed there.

What I mean by including her is that, when she left, I realized that the way I saw her (strange, I guess) is really the way everybody saw me, now that I'm alone. I wasn't better than her in the slightest, and sometimes I now think that I kept her by my side as a prop, like: "Look at how weird she is, and look how much normal-er I am in comparison!"... It hasn't been that long since I've done this, mind you. I'm still just the same awful person.
I don't know what to make of myself now. I don't think I'll have another chance to work things out with someone like her, to finally have another friend like her. I wish she'd come back, but that's a terribly selfish thing to think. I should have helped her with her grades, and I should have become better friends with her. Invited her over to my house, I could let her borrow my 3DS to play Ace Attorney games. Fuuuuckkkkkkk. I'm pretty sure she was somewhere in the transgender spectrum as well, but I am referring to her as "she", as that is how I knew her. I would not be the least surprised if she came out to me as a transgender man, as I picked up on some hints. I will not disclose of them as it makes me sound terrible.
God, I swear I wasn't into her. I was just... (checks notes) more emotionally invested into the memory of her than any other friend or partner I've had in my life. Huh. (rips notes apart and burns in a bin)

Phew, I've been holing that friend thing up in me for a while now. Moving on!

I've been thinking a bit about my future as well. I like to think that this indicates I haven't given up, and that I, hopefully, don't have depression or anything similar. As much as I involuntarily say I want to die many times in a day, I actually want to live.
These future musings are very vague, kind of like bucket-list points that I want to do some day. This includes dyeing some part of my hair pink (honouring both Bocchi and Utena directly), maybe also my armpit hair pink (honouring mostly Utena here. You know, vaguely feminist sentiment.), going to anime conventions a lot, maybe going to queer events? I'd like to find lesbian bars in my hometown. I want to fuck NASTY. I just want to fool around a lot, and I feel like that's fair. Obviously, only after I turn eighteen, though. Most importantly, I'd like to move out at 18 or a bit later. This is very important!
I want to move out mostly because I hate this town with a burning passion. Jack ass to do here, and the people are weird, and, like. They're like if country weirdos suddenly spawned into a town, and it's all so cramped and people I don't like might be right around the corner and IT'S SO SMALL...
I also want to move out because it'd be really fucking easy. Like, it's as if it was meant for me to move out, because my mother didn't sell our old apartment. I lived there for five years, and it's right next to a big metropolitan center, which is like young adult heaven, I guess? It'd probably be really easy for me to find a job, and the apartment would be right next to a college, as well. Like, across the street. Literally. It's fucking amazing for my situation.
My last reason would have to be that I feel really bad for my mother and her job. Her position grants me a full scholarship to a private school, as long as she keeps working, and if I were to study in the same organization's college as well, she'd want to keep working there as it'd give me a big discount. However, her job fucking SUCKS! She has to do so much unpaid overtime, it's insane. She gets vacation days for it but she'd still obviously prefer fair pay. Well, not for long, I hope.
I also just want to be more independent. Freedom... As free as a bird. Caw...

Kind of related to that, I spent a week alone at that apartment I mentioned, during winter break. It was boring. I went out basically every day, which is honestly a big enough thing, but I didn't do anything special. Went to the library once, read on my phone there. Went to the grocery store, bought eggs. My friends came over. Once. We baked cookies. I barely hung out with them. I also kind of got lost in my own town while riding on my bike. I wish I did that more times, it was fun.

Well, um... Now you kind of know what I've been doing. Well, honestly I haven't been doing jack shit in my daily life. Being a loner gives you a lot of time.
I've been trying to figure out what to dedicate my time to, but every obvious answer just falls apart after one day of unmotivated boredom. Studying? I have a test tomorrow and I haven't studied a single bit & it's 21h. Guitar? Even if I have a Bocchi the Rock! wallpaper, she never seems to motivate me enough to keep practicing every day. Drawing? I forget how characters look even if I thirst over them for the whole runtime of the show. Reading? I do that at school, but I usually just pretend I'm sleeping. Writing? I wrote smut once, got horny, didn't do anything then got frustrated and quit, so maybe. I don't know, jerking off? I'll get back to you on that.
I think I've talked about this a whole lot, but I am very lost as to who I am. I don't have an obsession or anything of the sort, and I don't have a routine I stick to every day that isn't just doomscrolling on, um. Pinterest? Youtube? Fuck my life.

As for more recent events, my mother has gotten surgery and is unfortunately unable to do things by herself for a while. I'll have to take care of her, and I am shamefully annoyed. I feel really bad for feeling like that at all, but, well. It sucks. Anyway...

That's really all. I don't think I have anything else to talk about... My computer battery is running out. I need to study... and dry my hair... I'm so sleepy. Well, good morning, good evening, or good night to you! Fucking corny ass line. Just have a terrible time. Here's a cute picture of Anthy I found on my computer.