.12-03
2026
I'm weirdly neutral about this.
Hello again. Um. . . . . I forgot how to do these entries. Is that even possible? I just want to write for a bit.
Recently, I've been quite busy with school, and getting used to my new place in general. I never thought I'd say that I was actually having trouble with school until now, and I hate that. I've been feeling a bit worse in the past few days. I had an exam this monday (or more like, a test exam? it wasn't worth anything) and it kind of threw me off since I wasn't expecting it. Aside from that, I had a math test on tuesday and absolutely bombed it. I got a 3,8. That's literally the worst score I've gotten, ever.
...Oh, well.
Still talking about school, I've been getting more comfortable with it, I'd say. Today, for example, I talked more with some teachers and they were really friendly. I'm starting to stop caring about my peers, too. One step at a time. Also, the teachers must fucking HATE kids in general because of how many projects they're assigning. GROUP projects. Like, come on! At the start of the damn school year, in a class with the greatest amount of new students. Come on. So, yeah, most of these I try to do alone, but usually I just end up getting stuck with the weirdo from my class. I feel really bad about adressing her like that, but I'm not exactly fond of her. I might have mentioned her before, she's the Ace Attorney girl. She doesn't really do anything in projects, from what I've seen on a philosophy slideshow we made. Also, almost completely off-topic, I tend to accidentally drool when I'm near her. Like. It's so weird, and I sound crazy writing it like this, but I've spit my food out like three times near her already...??? ..... Oh, well????
Outside of school, I've been also a bit terrible. Like, really really terrible.
I've always known I was a bit uncontrollable when alone, in the sense that I'll just stay glued to my phone or dedicate my full attention to something that doesn't matter at all. Usually, when people are around, I feel ashamed of those things, and I don't do them. It's a great way to avoid it. But, now that my step-dad is working again and that my mom's new job goes until 22:00 , I'm stuck.
I can't tell you the amount of times I've hurt myself over this. Well, maybe hurt isn't the perfect word, since I've actually not really felt the need for that, recently. But I've really lost my appetite, for some reason. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with that guilt at all. Maybe it's since I'm getting used to things, still, but my stomach seems way more sensitive than usual, even when I'm somewhere else safe, like my dad's house. I just don't feel at home.
And it makes me feel especially guilty when I notice that, on top of my school work and tests I have to study for, all of my favorite things are being neglected. Like, last week I was really into Ace Attorney, and I was halfway through a case that I was REALLY excited about! Now, I just hate looking at it. My brain genuinely hurts when I try to understand it, and I feel guiltier each day that passes that I distance myself from it more. I got a huge TV in my room, and I have barely even used it at all. What the fuck is on my phone? It doesn't matter how many hateful words I write about it here. It's always just there. I don't know how to live with it.
I hate how people act like they're better than me for not using their phones, and I hate that they're right . I hate that I've tried before, but it didn't work. I hate that my peers think it's stupid, and I hate that my elders think it's useless. I don't want to try anything anymore, I want to be sick and I don't want to be blamed.
Sometimes, when I take naps, I try my hardest to pretend I'm back home.
A couple of days ago I had a really intense feeling. Of nostalgia, maybe. I think it was two summers ago, where I would wake up really early to read manga (Azumanga Daioh), a chapter a day, and sit by the window and be content. I barely used my phone at that time, and I spent a lot of time just sitting, staring at a wall, and thinking. It was very stupid, and there's no moral to that. Regardless, I felt that same feeling strongly, and I cried. I wanted to go back and have control, I wanted to go back to when I played guitar instead of just letting it rot in the corner of my room. I didn't feel content at that time either, though,
I don't feel satisfied with this blog entry at all. I didn't write on my diary yesterday. I didn't eat again.