.18-02
2026
im so tired
I'm writing this after an almost 3 hour attempt at reworking my site, to Literally No Avail. My brain just doesn't work.
If you have, because of some strange reason, read my last blog post, you might have heard that I've moved to a new town, and have started attending a new school. Back then (a week and a half ago), I hadn't started school yet, but I was still feeling a bit down. I thought I'd get used to this new place, but I feel worse, somehow.
Nothing really bad has happened at school, but nothing really different, either. I look really weird, but I guess I'm starting to accept that. The new subjects are kind of nice, and physics seems really interesting, surprisingly. Fucking hate my chemistry teacher, though. My colleagues are kind of really boring, especially the guys. Like, I've never looked at the guys in my class THAT much in my other schools, but at least they were like, I don't know, nice to look at? God fucking damnit. I miss my old class. I wish I knew everyone, and didn't have to meet every single colleague again. This new class has so many people, too. Like, twice the size of my old group. They're so loud.
I haven't really talked much with anyone else. A girl messaged me on WhatsApp the first week- we had a nice conversation! But I think I'm much more pleasurable to talk to when you're not staring me in the eyes. Or, well, I don't really look you in the eyes IRL anyway, so... Yeah, I got invited to follow her and her group around and stuff, and we played volleyball during P.E., but that's about it. I feel like a little kid like this, I just have no idea how to start a conversation in a group of people. (Also, side note. There's a Really Pretty Girl in the group. Like. I'm scared to look at her. It's probably gonna be one of those situations that like, I'll be interested in someone but then they're gonna be lowk boring and I'm gonna think they're stupid (she didn't know how to solve a simple math equation, for one) but, I don't know. Her voice is so nice. But also I think I make her uncomfortable since, when they brung up relationships during a conversation, I locked eyes with her on ACCIDENT. I didn't even notice the topic until afterwards. God. Maybe I'm just too hormonal. I've been like that recently.)
One person I HAVE talked to is a girl that sits near me that draws a lot. She's also new - only a few people in the class are - and like, I don't mean to assume, but she's probably autistic. She's cool. We talked about Doki Doki Literature Club and stuff, but we're both pretty terrible at conversation so we usually follow each other around or something. No one else to talk to.
Okay, so I've kind of only talked about positive things here, but for some reason I've been feeling so worn out recently. It's probably because of the situation I'm in, with the move and school and shit. I was so deep into my routine at home that very few things distracted me from it- and sometimes that turned out to be a really bad thing. I loved being home, but I also hated it. I couldn't live without my time alone, with thick walls and closed windows, talking to myself, wasting my time. Maybe it was nice.
Every day before school I've been feeling intensely sick, on the verge of vomiting. For some fuckign reason. At first, I thought it was because I was nervous, and it made a bit more sense. But, even when I KNEW I was used to it, I still felt it. I kind of liked not eating, too, but I don't really have a reason for that.
I've noticed that I have been spending even MORE time distracting myself, especially with video games and fan-fiction. Just mindlessly consuming stuff. Even when I was at my dad's place this weekend, I felt a bit off. I played a lot of Silent Hill 2 (not sure if I mentioned it last entry, but I got rlly into it! Might make a shrine here), and of course, it was great, but I just binged it so quickly it felt like a blur. I don't know if I was trying to avoid something, since I've never done that with a game before. Same for Ace Attorney, I went by that game fairly quickly, too. Maybe that's a good thing.
Anyway, yeah, at my dad's, every single slightly inconveniencing thing threw me off REALLY bad. First, and worst of all, is that I lost the swiss knife I liked a lot. My dad had gotten it LITERALLY the day before, and I was so happy, walking around with that thing in my jeans' pocket. I was showing it to everyone and cutting up every stick I found. Like, it was a REALLY CHEAP knife so it wasn't really that big of a deal, but I legitimately almost cried that night. Actually, I did cry. And cut myself. Oooh, yeah.
Afterwards, I couldn't even find energy to play anything. Being on my phone felt like a crime, and even sharpening my other knives felt like a chore. My already mildly annoying step-mother seemed like a huge bitch and I was a slight breeze away from lashing out and killing somebody, too. I wanted to go to my dad's to get a break from everything, since at home I could feel that my mother was changing her behaviour, too. Maybe she was just adapting to the fact that I'm growing up, and maybe I'm the one that hasn't adapted.
My website is one thing I've been neglecting, too. Well, I still think about it a lot, but for some reason I can't. Do anything. I want to make it better, and I have so many plans for it. But I can't fucking visualize those things in my head and it makes me so frustrated. I'll spend hours trying to code shit but it never works and it never looks good. I spend so much time browsing other sites, looking for ideas, things I can add to MY site and things I can do better on mine, but nothing sticks . I've tried drawing it on my notebook, but it just ends up looking like shit. And that's weird because I never CARED about that before. But suddenly, I'm really worried about what hypothetical people hypothetically viewing my site hypothetically judging me. Or maybe it's just an issue with myself and what I perceive is a "cool site". It changes so much. I'm not ready for it to change yet, so soon. This website used to look like the most beautiful thing I could have done, the peak personal website for me, but now it's just trash.
It's such a daunting thing, having to rework the site almost from scratch. I can't feel my brain properly, I feel as if I'm suddenly mentally disabled. Oh, well. Keep the ball rolling.